Chapter Four: Roll that Knowledge (Religion) Check

        “What’s he doing with those papers, concubine?”

        Julia popped some popcorn into her mouth and tried to control the nerves gnawing at her gut. She and Merton had met, years before, on Darknest. Darknest, despite sounding like a place where you’d spend bitcoins to buy child porn and assassins, was actually just a World of Warcraft fansite. Well, fan slash porn site. Mostly porn. Yes, they had both been there for night elf titties. But even then, even before she had fallen for him, she had realized just how good Merton was at game-mastering.

        But he’d never had stakes like this .

        She looked at Princess Relix – and noticed that Relix didn’t look bored or disaffected.

        She looked worried. As worried as the pit of Julia’s tummy.

        So, Julia swallowed her first responses and instead set the popcorn carton down. She wiped her palm along her sleeve, then pointed. “See that?” she asked. “That’s the GM screen. Basically, it has a lot of rules written on it, to make it easier to run the game without cracking the book open constantly. It also lets him hide his dice.”

        “So, he could simply change the results?” Relix asked.

        “No,” Julia shook her head and waggled her finger. “That’s against the spirit of Hackmaster. The dice fall where they lay. No, no, no. It’s so he can...well...”

        Merton picked up a handful of dice and dropped them. They rattled, clacked, clicked. The Baron’s shoulders twitched ever so slightly and his eyes narrowed. “What was that?” he asked, his voice picked up by a throat mic and transmitted through the speakers in the amphitheater.

        Merton’s grin was laid back. Casual.

        “We’ll have to see, won’t we?” he asked. “Now, that observation check?”

        “I failed,” the Baron said.

        “But the number he rolled was so high!” Relix whispered to Julia. Julia chuckled, whispering back.

        “Observation is a skill check . Those require you to roll underneath your skill level, which is reflected as a percentage chance to succeed. The good Baron only has a twenty two percent in observation. That’s one of the hard parts of the art of the Hack: Characters start with tanko garbage levels of skills.”

        “I regularly walked into walls when I was a young level 1 college student,” Carlos piped in.

        Then each hushed as Merton adjusted his collar, took a deep breath, and started to narrate.

***

        “It is a glorious day in the lands of Barsara. The jungle studded peninsula has seen a break in the seasonally rains, and the ferocity of the last blow has left the air feeling swept clear of all but the fresh smells of the wildlife and the salt smell of the sea breeze. The ship you, Reikstand, stand upon is a simple barque named the Kip. You have, for the past three days, been steadily sea sick as the barque made its slow, plodding way across the Aludian Ocean. Crumpled in your one surviving hand is a parchment that arrived at your home. The parchment that brought you here, so far, so fast...a parchment from your-” Merton paused. “Grandfather, uh...”

        Julia tensed in the upper seats. Her hands clenched and she whispered. “Come on...”

        “What’s wrong?” Relix’s voice was hushed.

        “He’s drawing a blank on a name!” Julia looked at the Princess. “That can totally ruin the flow of a scene.”

        “Galsgad,” Merton said.

        “Galsgad?” The Baron rumbled. “What did he send, that has brought mighty Reikstand so far from his home.”

        “He says that his, ah, lumber mill has been beset by monsters, brigands and raiders,” Merton said, moving quickly once more. “His guards have been unable to keep them away, and his people are dying. But more, he states that one of the monsters that was slain – perchance, by a lucky arrow – was bearing more than the expected amount of treasure . Since you have recently gained your vestments and desperately need both funds and converts...you have set off. And now you arrive, in the city of...” His eyes flicked down. “Varneer.”

        “I see,” the Baron said. He leaned forward, then slammed a clenched fist into the table. The screen jumped dramatically. “Tell me of this city!”

        “Well, it’s a city,” Merton said – classic GM buying for time. Relix’s tail lashed. “It’s a city on the bay, with a harbor and large number of whitewashed adobe houses. The bustle of pedestrians is clear.”

        “Very good,” the Baron said. “Once the ship comes within ten meters of the dock, I will leap from ship to the docking pier.”

        “That will be a minus ten strength check,” Merton said.

        “He’s using the wrong kind of dice!” Relix whispered to Julia. Julia snickered, quietly.

        “Stat checks use 20 sided dice, not two 10 sided dice. Or, as we in the biz call em, d20s and d10s. Or, well, more accurately, using two ten sided dice is using a d100. But having a single die with a hundred faces is a bit hard.” Plastic rattled and the Baron grunted in quite affirmation.

        “You take a single bound, leap, sail through the air, then land upon the docks, startling the poor dockmaster. He – a portly human man with a bushy mustache – almost drops his papers as he gapes at your malformed and hideous appearance.” Merton coughed, then put on a stuffy, British sounding accent. “Why, I never! You need to pay a fare to enter our fair city, ha-”

        “I grab him by the throat,” the Baron growled. “And crush it.”

        Merton raised his eyebrows.

        “Oh boy,” Julia whispered.

        “He can’t just kill that man! This isn’t real life,” Relix hissed, quietly.

        “Oh, he can,” Trevor said, his voice dry as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Looks like we really do have a socially retarded angel of death on our hands.”

        “I’m going to need you to roll initiative,” Merton said, leaning back in his seat. “And since you’re going to go first, I want you to roll your attack check. And since you’re going to hit, I want you to roll damage!” He didn’t seem perturbed. The Baron’s dice fell – and a moment later, the poor dock master’s back hit the rough wood of the docks. As he sprawled, Merton cracked his knuckles. “As the man twitches his last – dying slowly on the ground, I-”

        “How many experience points?” the baron asked, his voice intent.

        “You get XP after combat,” Merton said, his voice slipping into an almost drawl. “You hear cries of shock and alarm, and then a woman shrieks: Guards! Guards! And before you know it, five guardsmen wearing chain and bearing swords rush forward. Their armor clinks and clatters, but they draw up short when they see you.”

        “I crack my knuckles,” the Baron said.

        “How, exactly?” Merton asked, already rolling some initiative checks.

        “By placing my fingers thus,” the Baron said, pressing his palm against the edge of the table, then using it to flex his fingers back. The crackling sound of his knuckles were gunshot loud in the room. “Against a nearby post that the ships tie up to.”

        “...fair enough,” Merton said, grinning. “You go first, by the way.”

        The guards rushed forward. Reikstand met the first blade by catching it in his palm, then smashed his foot into the poor fellow’s throat. As that man fell, gurgling and clutching at his neck, Reikstand smashed his forehead into the second – shattering the helmet in a single blow. His elbow then smashed down a third. Merton rolled for morale and clucked his tongue. “The fourth man turns to flee-”

        “I chase after!” The Baron said, grinning.

        “Ah, wait just a second. You need to roll initiative – this is a new round. The man is spending his whole round running, so you’ll need to roll with a pretty serious initiative penalty as you rush forward.”

        The Baron growled. “I care not!”

        His d10s rolled. Two of them came up as tens.

        “I go on initiative count...” the Baron paused. “Negative three, three and four.”

        “Wait, I thought rolling low was good,” Relix said, her brow furrowing. “but then the attacks required him to roll high. Now it’s good again?”

        “For skill checks and stat checks, yes. And for initiative checks – since the round goes tick 0, tick 1, tick 2, and so on,” Julia said – but before she could speak, Merton sprang to his feet, pointing at the Baron.

        “Thock! Thock! Thock! The sound fills your ears: Heavy crossbows! You barely have time to look away from the arm-lock you’ve put around the running Guard’s head to see that five others have arrived, and these have unslung their crossbows!”

        “Betrayal!” The Baron roared back, standing up. “They did not roll initiative.”

        “That’s because readied ranged weapons don’t roll  for initiative. They go on their ROF tick – for heavy crossbows, that’s tick 1 on any round they’re readied on, then every other round after that!” He grinned, wickedly. “They-”

        “Wait!” The Baron grabbed at his sheets, turning pages over. “I roll catch arrow skill!” His d100 flew, clattering.

        “W-What!?” Relix asked. “But he’s a priest, isn’t he? How can he catch arrows!”

        “The Baron’s playing a class that follows the God Shona, meaning he can get access to...” Julia’s eyes widened. Then her grin became wicked. “Ah. Clever Miles, very clever...”

        Four of the crossbow bolts thudded not into the furious, bloody handed Zealot of Shona. Two were smacked from the air by his rapid moving palm, while another sailed into the water behind him. The third thudded into one of the ship-posts that he stood beside. But the fifth whistled out and smashed into his hip. It thudded home.

        “You take-” Merton picked up two d4s. He rolled. 4 and 2. He grinned wickedly, then rolled another d4. Another 4. He rolled again and sighed, getting only a 1. But still. He quickly added the damage, factoring in the fact penetration damage dice were reduced by 1, and that the critical hit he had rolled on the crit-table added more damage...he looked up at the Baron, his eyes glittering. “You take ten damage as the bolt buries itself into your leg.”

        “Woooo!” Julia called out and Trevor shook his head.

        “Fucking Hackmaster.”

        Down at the table, Reikstand had leaped the distance betwixt him and the crossbowmen. They were running in terror as his palm smashed in faces, his legs devastated genitalia. Then he swung – and his d20 came up with that most dreaded number. A natural 1. As he glowered at it, Relix looked at Julia.

        “That means he has made a misstep, does it not?”

        “Yup,” Julia said, cheerfully as Merton began to roll a 1d1000 – via the simple expedient of rolling three d10s and cobbling together a number in that order. He ended up looking at two hundred and sixty two, and grinned over his GM screen at the Baron.

        “Make a dexterity check, oh Baron,” he said.

        The Baron frowned and rolled. His dice rolled, tumbled, and came up a 19. On any other character, that would have been an utter failure. But thanks to his flaw-tastic origin, he still passed with flying colors. A good thing too, as Merton continued.

        “As you smite down yet another cowering guard...” Merton said. “Your fist lashes out and a guard manages to jerk aside at just the right moment. Your knuckles smash into a pillar and, as you had not readied yourself for the blow, a shock of pain shoots up your arm. Roll your own unarmed damage, halve it, then apply it to yourself.”

        The Baron growled angrily, but dutifully picked up his dice and started rolling. In the end, he took six damage – which brought his health to nearly 3/4ths. But his wounds were already starting to reknit as the guard started to try and rally. Merton rolled their morale check and they succeeded.

        Merton took a moment to pull out a piece of paper. He scribbled some notes on it, then looked up at the Baron. He rolled his shoulders and continued to speak: “And so, fifty guardsmen march towards the docks. Their faces are grim and determined. The front two rows bristle with pikes, while the rear are filled with crossbowmen and archers.”

        The Baron…

        Smiled.

        Reikstand didn’t simply stand there, to be impaled. Instead, he simply sprinted away from the enemy. They gave chase – and he led them into the most thickly built up parts of town. There, the Baron demonstrated how he had earned his wings, when he had been but a small hatchling in the Singularity Principalities. Reikstand would spring out and slay an entire party of guards in a single flurry of furious blows, then fade back into alleyways. Wagons that had been left parked beside houses were tipped over, their contents sent spilling down, creating confusion in carefully ordered ranks of guardsmen, opening up weaknesses for Reikstand to strike. The cleric used his levitation ability to reach rooftops without needing to climb or make noise, then drop down to slay with feet and head and hand. It was a total, one sided slaughter .

        Merton took all of this with a smile, a nod, and a pen scribbling on paper.

        On and on it went. The dice rolled – and they came up with nasty results more than once. A lucky pike stab there. A crossbow bolt there. But the intricacies of the Hackmaster system seemed to play all into the Baron’s hands: his absurdly high armor class meant each critical hit was reduced to almost total ineffectiveness, his regeneration allowed him to keep ticking far longer than one might have expected. And the Baron’s brutal, cunning tactics meant he always had ways to escape, to strike again.

        At last, the guard’s morale broke, shattered, and they fled, leaving thirty of their number dead or dying in the choked streets of Varneer. Which had been the name of the city, before Reikstand started rumbling about how he was going to rename it Dragontopia. As he spoke, Merton continued to make notes.

        “Now!” The Baron laughed, his voice exalting. “Tell me. How many experience   points do I get ?”

        Merton grinned. “Why, my good Baron, you get... nothing !” He sprang to his feet, slamming his palms down onto the table. “You lose ! Good day sir!” He grinned. “Reikstand has been reduced to a commoner, with no skills to his name! He is found a day later and impaled on a pike for the world to see! His name is spat upon!” He laughed.

        The Baron gaped at him, then roared. “You cheating -”

        “And now he plays the trap card,” Julia whispered as Merton picked up and slammed down in the center of the table, for all to see, the piece of paper he had been writing on. It was a colorless print out, dominated by a large, granulated circle. Charted on it was a series of dots and lines, creating a line that went from Lawful Neutral – which was marked on the lower left hand side of the circle – almost directly across the circle to Chaotic Evil.

        “It’s all here, in black and white, clear as crystal!” Merton walked around the table, thrusting his finger at the paper. “You have changed your alignment, Baron. You are a zealot, which means you must remain exactly the same alignment as your god! Furthermore, you have acted completely dishonorably as a lawful neutral character. Fighting unfair, not giving quarter, looting ?” He shook his head. “Your honor is dropped to the dishonorable category automatically – along with an automatic level loss – when you change alignment. After computing your other honor losses, you hit negatives. Which means...” He grinned. “Your character suffers that most ignoble of fates...”

        The Baron’s nostrils had thinned to slits.

        “Becoming. An. En. Pee. Cee.” Merton said each letter with pure relish.

        The Baron’s nostrils flared and smoke poured into the air. “You lying ...”

        “Baron Bex,” Relix said, standing up. “Are you saying that you contest your loss on the field of honor today?”

        The Baron’s hands clenched. He was literally shaking . Merton stood his ground, as cool as a cucumber. Julia’s heart was in her throat as she watched. All she could see was Merton falling to the ground, sans head. The Baron was right there. And he was so incredibly strong. But then the Baron stepped backwards. His voice was stiff as he growled. “I will send these rule books to the finest minds of the FTE dueling commissions and your evidence . This recording will be dissected from top to bottom. If they find a single irregularity, a single evidence of cheating, a single particle of something out of place, I will come and I will nukefuck your pitiful ship into cosmic dust  and then rape your bitch of a wife to death in my largest form while she’s humanolocked! Do. You. Understand. Me.”

        “Get the hell of my ship,” Merton snarled. “And hand over your egg.”

        The Baron grabbed the table and flung it upwards. Papers scattered. Dice crashed. Minifigurines clattered across the arena floor. The table itself cartwheeled upwards and smashed into the protection field that surrounded the grand-stand. Metal fragments hazed through the air as the field cracked and sparked. Before the chunks had even struck the ground, the massive dragon turned and stormed out.

        As he left, Merton breathed slowly out. “And I thought Trevor got mad about what happened on Bespin.”

        “That’s cause it was bullshit !” Trevor shouted.

        “I-Is he allowed to threaten you like that?” Merton’s Mom asked, her voice horrified as she looked at Relix.

        Relix let out a long suffering sigh. “It’s a chromatic thing.”

        “ Racist ,” Julia hissed.

***

        Merton managed to remain standing until the doors to the arena opened and his wife, his girlfriend, his parents and his friends hurried in. Then he collapsed onto his ass, his face going sheeting white as his knees shuddered. His palms shook so hard that he was pretty sure that he was actually drumming on the deck. Relix and Julia knelt to either side of him, their eyes filled with concern. Julia, he wasn’t shocked by. But Relix actually took him aback. Then she slapped his head gently.

        “If you knew you were going to win , why didn’t you make your demands more extravagant? House Castrovel could have killed to have a few trade routes in this arm of the galaxy!”

        “Insert trite 1950s standup routine about married life joke number 39,821,” Julia muttered in Merton’s ear.

        “R-Right...” Merton shook his head as he started to stand up. Julia and Relix both helped him. Relix, actually, did most of the lifting. She mashed herself against his side, her arm sliding along the small of his back. Merton was deeply confused until he remembered her mentioning how exothermic humans were. Which was weird, considering how many dragons breathed fucking fire . As he considered that, Trevor shook his head slightly.

        “Seriously, Bespin was bullshit,” he said.

        “You were the one who made a freelance mercenary company on Cloud City three years after the destruction of the first fucking Death Star, dude. What did you expect would happen when the Empire showed up?” Merton groaned.

        Trevor smirked slightly. “You...are a fucking killer GM, dude.”

        “I know, he’s great, isn’t he?” Julia asked, giggling slightly.

        “No, I mean, he keeps killing us,” Trevor said, frowning.

        “So, what happens now?” Dad asked, butting in. His mustache was at full bristle and he looked at Relix intently. “Will House Thresh back off?”

        “Yes,” Relix said, sounding amused. “He only lost face and a minor cousin. With the loss of face, he’ll have no reason to continue bothering me.” She chortled quietly. “After all, if he tries again, then I can simply bring this event up at the next Galactic Gala and ruin his reputation and the reputation of his house before the other Great Houses. And as the Baron and his House rely on their reputation as asskickers to get merc contracts throughout the spinward reaches and the unsettled core...” She chuckled. “We have put paid to that .”

***

        Servants picked up the shining black egg. They were slave collared and had restraint implants in their foreheads, and they had been enchanted to only follow the orders of Baron Bex. But despite all of that, Bex and his half-sister, Gimtesh, kept their eyes on the four servants as they gingerly moved their egg onto the cart.

        “Well,” Gimtesh growled. “This is one serious  fuckup.”

        Bex’s hand closed around her throat. He lifted her up and the half-elven girl made a loud gurgling, gagging noise, her feet kicking, her hands going to his wrist, trying to hold herself up. Her stunted half-wings spread and she tried to choke out a word. “S...So...Sorry.”

        “I know  it was a fuckup, Gimtesh,” Bex snarled.

        “T-Then...keep?” Gimtesh looked at the egg.

        “I can’t ,” Bex hissed, jerking her forward. “That human bastard and that spoiled cunt of a royal princess are backwood bumpkins . We have at least a few weeks before they discover the secret. That’s time enough for...” He looked at the egg. A shimmering stasis field snapped around the shining black surface. He looked back at Gimtesh. “For the Ousters.”

        He dropped Gimtesh to the ground. She gasped, clutching at her neck. Coughed. Coughed again. She looked up. “B-But...”

        “We can breed a new egg for Xosh,” Bex said, looking down at the stasis field – shining like a chrome soap bubble, concealing what it held. A slave typed in a pass-key code to the side of the stasis emitter. Bex punched the pass-key pad. The buttons shattered and sparks flew from the side of the machine. He grinned slightly. “Add a few days to our estimation. Just in case.”

        Gimtesh watched as the egg was wheeled away by the servants.

        She didn’t fear the servants giving anything away.

        They, after all, had no tongues.

***

        The Talon-9 flipped, then burned hard away from Arcturus at almost 5Gs. And the fact that Merton could say or think a sentence like that almost made up for the fact that he had been kidnapped by a spoiled space dragon princess. Or was that spoiled dragon space princess? Either way, he felt like his whole body had turned into rubber. A few years of sheer terror had been compacted into the past two days. And now, at last, he was able to relax, lounging in a chair as he looked at the stasis bubble that contained the newest member of his increasingly bizarre family.

        Relix and Thuwit both sat at the other sides of the table. Relix’s tail kept bumping against his ankle, then jerking away. Then, a few moments later, it would creep back to bump against him again.

        “It’s a stasis bubble,” Thuwit said. “Simple divination spells have determined that it does contain a dragon egg. We believe that the key-input was destroyed intentionally, though.”

        “Of course it was,” Relix muttered.

        “Okay,” Merton said. “Three questions.”

        Thuwit looked at him. Rather than the withering looks he had sent Merton at the beginning of their relationships, Thuwit now looked at him with something close to actual fucking respect. It was almost heartwarming.

        “One,” Merton said. “How do stasis bubbles work?”

        “They’re rudimentary alterations to teleport spells,” Thuwit said. “But rather than choosing a destination, they simply choose no destination and rework the spatial warping elements into sustaining the teleport. Since teleportation is instant, this extends that instantaneous moment until the magical energy bleeds away. While that ‘moment’ exists, nothing can change within the sphere.”

        “Huh.” Merton blinked. “What teleport spell did they use as the basis?”

        “Intergalactic,” Relix snarled.

        “So, we have some time until this wears off.” Merton nodded. “Question two: how do dragons usually work? Egg wise?”

        Relix crossed her arms underneath her breasts, leaning back in her seat. She arched her back slightly and Merton found it hard to ignore the perkiness of her chest, which strained against her sheer robes. Her voice, though, was pure irritation. “An egg is laid. Between six to nine months later, a dragon comes out. It drinks in magic and information from the surrounding area, so they’re very knowledgeable. But dragon children lack any context for the information they know, and thus, are... extremely irritating.”

        Merton nodded.

        “And they try to have sex with everything ,” Relix muttered.

        “Yeah. What?” Merton looked at her.

        “And your third question, m’lord?” Thuwit asked.

        “Uh…” Merton blinked and filed that away for later ‘what the fuckery.’ He looked at Thuwit. “What local pirates, thugs, low lifes, assassins and assorted riff-raff exist in the Orion Arm?”

        Relix and Thuwit’s brows furrowed.

        “You think this egg has some incriminating intelligence on House Thresh?” Thuwit asked – his fingers already tapping out a command code sequence on the table – his finger touches creating tiny flashes of lights under his long, thin hand.

        “Why else delay our contacting it?” Merton suggested.

        Relix shivered, then scowled at the chrome-sheathed egg. Her tail started to lash as she muttered. “F-Fucking goddamn it.”

        Merton smiled. “Hey, it’s okay, we-”

        Relix glared at him.

        Merton’s smile faded away. Fortunately at that moment, the door opened and in walked a fucking monster. It was a bug-human hybrid, covered with chitinous armor, with glowing red eyes. It had dozens of weapons strapped to its body, and weirdest of all, it was walking in with Lisa. Lisa, who seemed to be completely unphased, was saying: “Oh, yeah, and we had a black president named Obama.”

        “A negro president?” the bug monster asked.

        “What the who the fuck?” Merton stammered, springing to his feet in shock.

        “Oh!” Lisa said, jerking her thumb. “You haven’t met Gunner? This is Gunner. He’s a World War 2 fighter pilot who got abducted and experimented on by the fuckfaces in the FTE. Gunner, this is Merton Miles.”

        “I’m aware, Lisa,” Gunner said – his strangely accented voice deeply amused. “She was telling me that the gays can get married now? Why? There can’t be that many of them, right?”

        Merton just...let himself sit right the fuck back down. He shook his head as Gunner thumped forward, his arms crossed behind his back. His head lifted and he spoke in the clipped, steady cadence of someone giving a briefing. “The current threats in this arm of the galaxy are many and varied. Lightly settled by the Five Talon Empire and even more thinly settled by client races, it is home to several dozen pirate gangs. The most dangerous are the Geotari, a race of rock men who feed on the waste heat of planetary tectonics...but now that they have transitioned to space based living, they prefer the heat of blasted starships.”

        He sighed. “The other danger is the Ousters.”

        Merton and Lisa exchanged a glance .

        “They’re a race of nomadic humanoids,” Gunner said.

        “Three meters tall, tailed, big on glassing planets?” Merton asked.

        “No,” Gunner said. “They’re small and they don’t glass planets, they drop asteroids on them.”

        “Worth a shot,” Merton said, drawing a confused look from Relix and Thuwit. He sighed, then decided he might as well lay it out on the table. “Fine. Okay. I’ve been noticing recurring themes in the Five Talon Empire that reflect human, well, fiction. Dungeons and Dragons, for instance, has the split between chromatic and metallic dragons. Then there’s the Ousters – a name from a sci-fi novel I read back on Earth. And the organizational similarity of the FTE to the Imperium from Dune. It’s...all...kinda weird.”

        “This will be something we need to investigate,” Thuwit said. “but for now, I believe the more pressing issue is the egg and the potential ambushing. Yes?”

        “Yes,” Merton said.

        “I suggest we burn hard for the Core,” Gunner said, his voice soft. “Then, once our thrust plume is making it quite clear, we instead plot a subspatial jump to the nearest friendly House. I suggest House Yeltanzo.”

        “A copper  dragon?” Relix asked, her tail coiling up in disgust. Then she sighed and nodded. “Fine. Fine. Hamin Yeltanzo might be an utter boor, but he won’t shoot us with nuclear weapons.” She shook her head and stood. “Set the course, Gunner, I shall be in my chambers.”

        She stalked off, her tail lashing hard. Merton sprang to his feet, squeezing Julia’s shoulder quickly. He started after his wife, his jaw clenching slightly. Relix put a bit of extra bounce to her stride – actually growing her legs slightly so that she ate up the distance between him and the elevator. The door hissed open and Merton jogged forward. The door started to close and actually scraped against his butt and belly as he squeezed in, thumping against Relix. She put her palm on his forehead and shoved him back, glaring at him.

        “What do you want ?” she asked.

        “Excuse me , Princess,” Merton said, angrily. “I kinda thought we should talk about the egg, the future of my friends and family, the upcoming Ouster ambush, the fact that I’m no longer mage blind and need to-”

        “You’re what ?” Relix hissed, swinging her head around to face him.

        “...right...” Merton whispered. He hadn’t asked the four armed purple skinned chick if she had told Relix that.

        The door to the elevator opened and Relix grabbed him and dragged him by one arm into their shared bedroom. Not that they had ever shared it once in their short, tempestuous marriage. She literally tossed him into the room before slamming her palm onto the shut and lock function. The door hissed and thunked and she glared at Merton as Merton staggered away from her to the bed. The bed was rumpled and messy and a strange, tangy scent filled the air. It wasn’t bad , though. In fact, the more Merton sniffed it, the more faintly familiar it was.

        “Explain,” she growled.

        Merton rubbed his shoulder. “A clever primitive never reveals his tricks.” He grinned, slightly. “But since I’m not that clever: My lovely girlfriend Julia talked your engineer into doing it, with plausible deniability.”

        Relix shook her head. “You... arrogant  monkey. Magic is the fundamental force of the cosmos, blessed to those who have it. Dragons have spent thousands of years learning its complexities, its nuance, and you think you can just swagger in with your confidence and your gorgeous brown eyes and just take it like a princess chained to the bed. Thrusting into it with your...maleness...” Her voice grew softer as she glared at him. Merton blinked. “ Conquering magic like an eager little bitch...” She purred, her clawed finger caressing his chest.

        Merton blinked again. “Relix?”

        She grabbed onto his shirt. Picked him up. And bodily hurled him out of the room. It was shocking, the transition from simply standing there to flying through the air. He hit the ground, rebounded off rubber, then landed on his feet, skidding backwards a few feet before he came to a stop. He blinked, gaping at the door as Relix stood in it, her arms shaking. She looked as if she was struggling against some massive weight, her mouth fogged in a haze of frost. Rings of steam burst from her nostrils as she snarled.

        “Get. Out. Now.”

        Merton stepped backwards, his eyes wide as he saw her tail lifting.

         Lifting .

        That smell hit his nose again and he realized why it was so familiar.

        Relix’s rooms... stank of her arousal. Her tail was lifting upwards and arching and as he watched, her breasts seemed to firm up, becoming more taut and eager. Her nipples stabbed out against her robes, begging to be caressed and squeezed. Merton blinked at her.

        “W-What’s happening?” he asked.

        She jerked her head aside. “I’m in heat ,” she snarled. “Y-You stupid fucking lovely monkey, you get me so fucking wet, I...I can’t stop it. My body triggers the heat. Hormones. All of it.” She hissed. “I...g-god, just throw me down on the floor and fuck my brains out. Humans like that? Women so desperate they’ll do anything? I’ll let you do anything. I’ll suck your cock and lick your balls. I’ll even let you knock me up. Please. Just... fuck me...” She whimpered, arching her back. Now she wasn’t standing in the door.

        She was posing . Her breasts were framed by the door-frame, as were her hips. Her sex was moist enough to cause her robes to slick against her thighs, drawing the outline of her cunny. The pale light of a thousand stars glimmered through the windows behind her, giving her body an exotic allure that rivaled anything Merton had ever seen in his life.

        “Please...” she whispered. “M-Make love to me, my husband. I’ve...never...”

        Merton closed his eyes.

        And he did the hardest thing he had ever done in his life.

        He turned away.

        “Merton...” Relix whispered. Her voice felt as if it was choked .

        “J-Just give me five seconds!” Merton said, holding up his finger.

        He stepped over to the elevator. He tapped the com unit, and said: “Can I speak to the head, uh, doctor?”

        A few short seconds later – seconds that felt as if they lasted five eternities, as Merton felt the increasingly nonplussed draconic princess looking at his back – the four armed purple skinned chick appeared on the screen.

        “Can you send me a drug that counteracts a dragon going into heat?” Merton asked.

        “These drugs exist,” the woman said – looking like she was deeply confused and trying to grasp exactly what was going on.

        “Then. Send. Me. One.” Merton forced the words out through clenched teeth. The face blinked off the screen and a few seconds later, a small slit opened above the screen and dropped a tiny ampule into his palm. Merton turned and walked back towards the gorgeous, confused, horny, desperate dragon-girl, and plunged it into her neck. The tiny hiss clicked on and she blinked, her eyes growing focused. Her tail remained lifted, and her nipples remained hard, but she was no longer struggling against the door-frame. No longer locking her knees to keep herself in place.

        “W-Why?” she whispered.

        “I kinda have this rule against taking advantage of people,” Merton said, smiling slightly at her. “Besides. This isn’t exactly a-”

        Relix leaned forward. Her muzzle touched his lips. The contact was electric – and her tongue swept into his mouth. It was long and cool and flexible, and it wrapped around his and squeezed. Once. Twice. Her scaled hands slipped along his shoulders as she pressed herself against him. Her muzzle shifted subtly as he kissed her back – growing more flexible, shorter, more humanlike. Eventually, he was simply kissing a small, delicate mouth on a face that set somewhere between draconic and humanoid. It felt divine . Her breasts mashed into his chest and her tail wrapped around his back, holding him close.

        Then the kiss broke and Merton panted. “R-Relix...” he blinked. “D-Did the ampule not work?”

        “Of course it worked, you idiot ,” Relix hissed. Her eyes closed and she ducked her head forward. “I love you. Y-Y-You... fucking asshole.”

        Merton blinked. But before he could say anything, Relix was on him again. Her mouth pressed to his, her tongue thrust in deep. And this time, Merton kissed her back . He kissed her back with the fierce eagerness of a man tossed a life preserver in the chop. His hands reached down and slapped against her scaled rump, squeezing fierce and hard. Her flesh dimpled under his fingers and she hissed into his mouth – a pleased, happy sound. She broke the kiss, ducking her head forward as she pressed her forehead against his. “Yessss...” she breathed. His hand reached up and squeezed the base of her tail. It was strong and twitched against his palm. He forced her tail up, pressing hard.

        Relix rolled her head back. “Yes, god, yes, make me lift that tail...”

        Merton kissed her neck. He tasted the warmth of her scales. He growled into her, his voice soft. “I was always wondering...” he murmured, before kissing her chest, above the swell of her breasts. “What kind of dragon are you?”

        “A pure dragon. Obviously.” She scoffed, then gasped as Merton’s hands slipped underneath the edge of her robes, tugging them away from her breasts. The smart clothes came away unwillingly – as if he was tearing them off. Strands stuck to her scales before popping free, giving him the feeling of peeling a delicious candy. The beauty he exposed was so very worth it. Her breasts heaved, with scales glittering like stars. Her nipples were void-black, and hard enough to cut glass. Merton closed his mouth around one, sucking gently on it.

        Relix gasped, rolling her head back. “Pure dragons, ah, we’re also called...mmm...feathered dragons. Quetzalcoatl was the first Emperor, he bred our line.”

        Any other time, Merton would have jerked back in shock.

        But right now, he was too busy kissing and sucking on the galaxy’s most perfect pair of breasts. His eyes closed and he reveled in the contrast of her scales. Silky smooth, yet textured and tough . He could squeeze her breast hard  and it provoked not a squeak of pain or a cry of annoyance. Instead, Relix moaned like she was battery powered. Merton drew his mouth back, a few thin lines of salivia connecting his mouth to her nipple.

        “Gods you’re so warm ,” she whispered.

        Merton pushed her back, his own clothes melting off his body like wispy smoke. Relix let herself fall backwards, the bed absorbing her back striking it with a faint bounce . Then she was spread wide for him, her thighs opening, revealing the perfectness of her draconic pussy. Merton crawled atop the bed, his palms touching the fabric to either side of her head. But he didn’t plunge in. Something in him knew that this time was special . He looked into Relix’s eyes. His voice was soft.

        “You’ve...never...” He paused. “Never done it like this, have you?”

        She turned her head aside. “I have done it like this many times...” she muttered, her voice sullen.

        Merton shifted so that he could cup one hand on her cheek. He turned her head to face him again. Her eyes roiled – shifting hues and colors so fast that it was nearly hypnotic.

        “You’ve had sex. And fucked. But you’ve never made love, have you?” Merton whispered, his voice soft. Husky.

        Relix’s muzzle flushed. Hard.

        “No...” she breathed.

        Merton leaned forward. He kissed her nose. Then he kissed the line of her jaw. His lips feathered along her neck, gentle and soft. His lips trailed that pattern – a kiss here, a lick there, a warm breath there – on a slow, winding course. He went along her neck, then across her chest. He nuzzled the valley between her scaled breasts, then lingered lovingly over the cute, sleekness of her belly button. He didn’t know that creatures born in eggs had belly buttons, but he was not about to fucking complain, because Relix had the cutest fucking belly button he had seen in his fucking life. His tongue delved in and she squealed, then jerked her head to the side. One wing flapped spasmodically, slapping against the bed with a drum-like whump . Her tail slowly looped around Merton’s neck – not in a choking way. More in a gentle pushing way.

        Said gentle pushing mashed his face against her sex with enough force that a wet slap sounded where his nose and cheek pressed to her dripping, eager slit. Merton laughed, spluttered, then pushed himself back and up.

        “Princess!”

        “Sorry,” she said, looking quite flustered. “I j-just thought that was where you were going...”

        “I was,” Merton said, grinning at her as he kissed her thigh. He nipped her scales gently. “But now I’m just going to keep exploring.”

        “But I-”

        “Shhh,” Merton breathed against her thigh. He kissed up to her knee, nuzzled the side of her leg. His palm caressed her calf as he whispered. “You’re too beautiful to rush this, Princess.”

        “M-Merton...” she paused. Merton kissed the underside of her calf as her leg straightened out obligingly. He half stood, so that he could nuzzle against her ankle, his hands stroking up and down her legs. His eyes were closed tight as he breathed in the sensations of her . The smoothness of her scales. The faint reptile scent that mingled with the intense musk of a woman’s arousal. The elegant curve of her foot as he kissed the ball of her heel.

        “Yes, Princess?” Merton whispered, opening one eye. She was looking away again, one arm caressing her breasts. No. Not caressing. Covering them. She looked as shy and quivery and eager as any girl he had ever seen. And since Merton had only had sex with one girl in his life, and she was currently downstairs, likely telling the others her life story, Merton didn’t exactly have a lot to compare too.

        But Relix looked as shy as a deer.

        “Call me Lix...” her voice was soft.

        “...Lix?” Merton asked.

        “Don’t laugh!” Relix snapped her head up to look at him. “I-It’s...it’s a sign of trust.” She paused. “That part of my name is the smallest part that retains meaning. It’s the core of the name that the rest is built around – it’s...well, it’s the basis of most spells used to enchant someone at a distance.”

        Merton blinked, then felt a sudden rush of emotions – more intense than simple lust. “Okay, Lix...” he whispered. The name made Relix shudder in delight and fear and something more. Her eyes closed to slits and she breathed out a slow, happy sound that wasn’t words, and yet spoke volumes.

        Merton’s hand slid down to his cock. He was so achingly hard that it was hard to think straight. And so, he didn’t. His hand went to her leg – the one that was lifted was in the right posture. But her others needed to be opened and spread outwards, to open her up enough to accept him. As she unfolded like a flower, Relix – or Lix, in that moment – sucked in a quiet gasp of eagerness. She was leaving a tiny puddle under her rump, soaking the sheets. Her voice urged him on: “Yessss...”

        Merton ground the fat tip of his cock against her sex. She was molten hot and his cock glided against her – she was nearly frictionless and welcoming. His eyes narrowed to thin slits. He wanted to close them so that he could revel in the physicality of the moment. But he also didn’t want to tear his eyes off his Princess, his wife, his love…

        For in this moment…

        Merton knew that he’d never have a heart small enough for just one soul. Not after seeing Princess Relix Castrovel bare her soul before him.

        “Hi!”

        The voice jerked both their heads up.

        A small black dragon – roughly the size of a large dog, or a small pony – sat on the dresser that was perched against the wall. His tail wagged happily and his wings were folded against his sides. He was in his quadrupedal form, and his bright, golden eyes were watching the scene with clear excitement. He waved. “Hi!”

        Merton looked at Lix. Lix looked back at him.

        They both looked at the tiny dragon.

        “Hi!” he said a third time. “I’m Brash! Brash the Dragon!” He puffed up his chest. “I was in an egg, but it was boring, so I hatched! Oh!” He looked around himself. “This room is fancy! Oh! Oh!” He gasped, then spotted his tail out of the corner of his eye. “Something’s behind me!” He started to run after it. This caused his snout to bump into the wall as he spun on the top of the dresser, which tottered on its foundations, then slowly fell forward.

        “Wheeeeeee!” Brash squealed as the dresser hit the floor with a bang . The small dragon skidded along the metal floor, his paws and claws clattering like metal on metal. He bounced, jounced, then finished his skid underneath the bed. “Oh! Oh! You dropped this!” Brash came out from under the bed, one of Relix’s bras on his snout. “I found it! Brash saved the day!” He started to do a little dance.

        Merton wasn’t sure what shocked him more.

        This...dragon…

        Or the fact that Relix wore bras.

        But before he could comment on either, Talon- 9 was simultaneously hit by two dozen fifty megaton fusion warheads and almost a hundred railgun slugs going a pretty significant factor of C.